Susan L. Kleine - MAPC, LPCC

Dear Eve,

How can I get my husband to help me around the house and with the kids without constantly asking and feeling like a nag?  I feel like I am being run ragged!

Wife in Trouble

Dear Wife in Trouble,

Behind this question, I hear frustration with ALL the responsibilities you have and little appreciation for what you do.  Thank you for faithfully giving anyway!

The scripture passage in the New Testament, Ephesians 5 is so helpful because it speaks directly to our attitudes.  Husband, love your wife.   Wife, honor your husband.  When a husband is not sensitive to his wife’s difficulties and frustrations, she will not feel loved.   When a wife does not speak calmly and kindly to her husband, he will not feel honored (your fear of nagging).   If neither husband nor wife follows the wisdom of Eph. 5, the family will be in an uproar, and the children will not learn the important problem-solving and relationship skills needed in life.

Instead of a hit-or-miss approach to problem solving that some couples use (that is, while the problem is happening, attack it NOW!), periodic planning times can help couples make sure they are on track with their priorities with necessary energy to address concerns.

Questions that may help you and your husband focus on changes that need to be made for a smoothly-running family are:

• How do each of you feel about family responsibities during the morning routine, at dinner time, and at bed time?
• How can you alleviate each other’s stress and frustration?
• What are the priorities for your family?
• What values do you hope to impart to your children – how will you do it?
• How will you know if your children have ‘caught’ the values you wish to teach?
• Will you give yourself credit for successes that you have already achieved?
• What changes in lifestyle would better model what your children need to learn?
• When will you brainstorm changes and decide upon a definite course of action?
• What part will the children play in changes to be made? How can they help with family chores (considering their respective ages)?  Who will oversee these?
• How do work schedules affect how your family functions?  Can changes be made?

Plan to talk regularly so that your lifestyle works for both of you. Seek outside help if you experience any unresolved conflicts that begin to affect your relationship and progress. You will be blessed!

Eve 

(Ask Eve is informational only and not intended as therapy.)

Dear Eve,

I have lived with an explosive temper all my life but what I’m most concerned about is my children.  Over time I know that I have said some things as their mother that have hurt their self esteem.  What can I do?       Angry at Self

Dear Angry at Self:

Thank you for verbalizing a concern with which many other Christian may struggle.  What came to mind when I read your question was:  I wonder what this person would feel if she let go of her anger–Abandonment?  Anxiety?  Betrayal?  Powerlessness? Fragmentation?  Anger is a powerful emotion that usually feels better than what lies underneath.  Here are some ideas for your consideration:

We live our lives before very few persons.  Our children and our immediate families know us best. They influence us life-long and we influence them.  Therefore, any work or labor (and it is hard work) that you put into resolving your problem anger will help your children grow in self-confidence, benefiting them in the following ways:

* Your children’s knowledge that you are addressing your anger establishes it as your problem, your responsibility and not their fault. 

*It will give your children assurance that the family is changing in  positive ways and reduce their stress.

*You will be more approachable and be building a relationship that your children can trust.   You will be more available to them and they will feel more secure.

*You will teach your children that they (too) have power to make changes for the better, giving them hope.

Working on out-of-control anger may mean any or several of the following:

• Talking to your pastor, exploring God’s help
• Finding an accountability partner,
• Asking for forgiveness from those whom you may have injured with your problem anger,
• Seeking professional help if you feel overwhelmed,
• Some find relief with impulse-reducing medication prescribed by their physician
• At the very minimum, have a plan to remove yourself from situations in which you are loosing control.  If you have struck your children in your rage, you need to seek professional help immediately and find ways to make sure they are safe.

While we are saved and our lives redeemed, our sins do injure others and others’ sins do injure us.  It is the perplexing human condition.  The Apostle Paul talks about a persistent thorn in his flesh even after he knew and gave his life to Christ.  St. Paul’s life ’before us’, according to the Bible accounts, encourages us that we too can be victorious and overcomers in spite of our human nature and tendencies and sin.  God’s grace will be with you , you are not alone. 

Eve 

(Ask Eve is informational only and not intended as therapy.)

Dear Eve,

I am having so much trouble learning how to be a single, divorced parent.  I am so busy all the time with household, work, children and finances.  I have little time to find friends.  The single friends from work all want to go places where I feel uncomfortable and won’t go.  Everyone at church is part of a couple and I think I stand out in a negative way.  I just don’t kow how to fit anymore.  The divorce was not something I wanted and now I’m being penalized (again!).

Outcast and Labeled

Dear Outcast,

My heart goes out to you.  You have an extremely difficult and challenging situation with seemingly few supports to help you and a short supply of friends to encourage you.   I am sure if we discussed the “unfairness” of your situation, there would be many more thoughts and feelings with no immediate answers in sight.

To encourage you, first, let me say that as an ‘outcast’ you are in excellent company.  Not only was Christ an outcast among the Sadducees, Pharisees, and those from his homeland cynical about his origins.  He was often misunderstood among his disciples.   However, with single-mindedness, Christ sought the outcasts in society to bring good news of forgiveness and healing (this would be an excellent study for you to embark).  You are in the right place to receive God’s grace in your pain and healing for your injuries as you seek Him and hold onto his promises.

Second, you may feel like an ‘outcast’ because of your loss of role as ‘wife’ and no real picture of “who am I now, Lord?”  Our churches strive, as they should, to keep families intact and discourge family dissoution and parental separation.   You may find that you are able to reach out more at church as time goes by.  I want to commend you for your staying power and conviction to be in church even if it doesn’t feel good right now.  I encourage you to find a new identity in the Bible.  That’s right, turn to Proverbs 31 which describes a woman’s industry and courage as she seeks to honor her husband at the city gates.  However, instead of thinking of husband as a person, think of God as the Husband.  Husbandry means one who manages resources and cultivates as in farming.  God will now be your husband, your provider who loves and nurtures you.  And, you will be a witness to His love. It sounds like you are already honoring God in your choices.

Third, prioritize your schedule according to your beliefs.  In your situation, your children need you to be there for them as much as possible.  I would suggest you find interests that bring you into close proximity to those who share your values and interest one night a week.  You also need to schedule some ‘down time’ when you aren’t doing anything (perhaps the children’s father has visitation during those times in the week).  My concerns would be for the children’s emotional health and their needs for safety and direction for which they will look to you.

You are right on target in what you are asking and seeking at this time.  I wish you continued guidance from the Holy Spirit and a sense of how important you are to God and your church as you serve your family’s needs.

Eve

(Ask Eve is informational only and not intended as therapy.)

Dear Eve,

It seems so much harder to have meaningful time together with my husband the older we get (we’re in our 50’s).  I don’t feel he’s as interested in me or that I have any appeal to him any longer.  What’s happening?                          So Sad

Dear So Sad,

Relationship with a spouse is dynamic and changes over the course of marriage.  It sounds like you love your husband and recently have become aware he is not meeting some of your (important) needs.  As a result you feel alone, unattractive and undervalued.  Here are some thoughts about relationships in general to guide you.  In a relationship,  it’s okay…

1) For each person to have needs and desires,

2) If one or both persons’ needs change over time,

3) To say something ‘isn’t working’ with clarity, respect and examples,

4) To ask for (not demand) what you want and need.

The other person, in this case your husband, may care about but not understand your concerns or needs.   Each person’s ability to commit to and negotiate for change may vary.  Lastly, it is a rare moment when all of our important needs are being met.  Sometimes having unmet needs helps us remember to turn to our creator to make sense of our circumstances and to await His answer.  

Some factors that may be contributing to your situation may be:

• At various ages we experience physical and emotional changes that affect relationships,
• Careers in our 50’s can be more difficult when we are less physically able to manage the demands.  This can exact much from us with less motivation in other areas.
• Self esteem is affected by losses in midlife and depression may result.

What to do:

*Begin a conversation with your spouse to address your concerns and seek professional help if this becomes too difficult,

*Brainstorm together ways to address the problem, take action, and follow through.

*Ground yourself in your faith.  God is ever-present to strengthen and encourage you. You will never be valued by any person as you are by God.

*Take stock of what you have to offer.  Your life is becoming  more precious every day as you live, feel, and care.   God is truly changing us and making us even more beautiful.  Claim it.

*Find ways to nurture your life through deepening your friendships and interests.  You will feel empowered as you devote time and energy in making your life richer.

*Seek professional help if you still are feeling lost and angry.

You may be pleasantly surprised that making some small changes may yield satisfying results.

Eve

(Ask Eve is informational only and not intended as therapy.) 

Dear Eve,

I have a friend who is hurting very badly but I am scared to reach out to her too much because I know she can consume me.  HELP!         Fearful Friend

Dear Fearful,

You sound like a person who greatly cares about her friends.  It also sounds like you have extended yourself too much in the past and want to safeguard not to do this again!

The good news is that you have the self-awareness to make a good choice.  Before we talk about options, though, I want first to ask you:  what expectations do you place on yourself as a friend? Although you may care very deeply about your friend, suffering is a sacred journey with God and may be what she needs to hear and understand His direction.

So, how can you help?  First, I suggest that you count the cost.  If you are feeling overwhelmed by another’s burdens, you may NOT be the best person to carry those burdens.  In that case, you may say to your friend, “I want to be here for you, but I don’t feel I am the right person to objectively look at this problem.”   Reassure her that she is in your  prayers during this difficult time and that she is on your heart.

 However, if you feel that you ARE the person to help, consider the following:

*Empathize by trying to picture how you would feel if this were happening to you.   It is best to avoid the words, “I know how you feel” – better to say, “If this happened to me, I think I’d really feel angry” (or whatever the feeling).

*Ask your friend how you can help.   Help her be specific in stating what she needs:  a person to whom she can vent? A reality-check regarding how she is seeing the problem? Ideas on options? Wisdom from the Bible?  Prayer? etc…  Then tell her what you can do.

*Be sure to clarify your availability.  Suggest the best times you can talk, i.e. “Could we talk a couple times this week between around 8:30 to 9:00 after the children are in bed?”  

*Encourage her with scripture and pray together.  She will feel supported by you and by God.

*Use caution when giving advice.   What you are capable of doing may not be what she is capable of or wants to do. 

*Affirm the strengths you see, reminding her of her past victories.

*If you feel she needs more help than you can provide, demonstrates more distress and despair, or makes scary-sounding comments, be insistent that she gets professional help. Make sure she is safe.  If you have further questions about your involvement, seek help from someone (e.g. your pastor) who can direct you and help you be accountable.

Carrying one another’s burdens is part of Christian fellowship (See Galatians 6:2 in the New Testament).  We do that best when we know our limits and our availability.  Thanks for taking care of your friends and yourself, too!

Eve

 (Ask Eve is informational only and not intended as therapy.)  

Dear Eve,

What is the Chrisitian way to deal with feelings of dislike and distrust for a fellow “Christian”?   I know we are to forgive like Jesus, but my bitter, hostile feelings still remain.                                                                Disappointed in Myself

Dear Disappointed,

I hear your very good intentions to build a better relationship with someone with whom you have ‘history’ and you are disappointed that you cannot rid yourself of negative feelings.   Just by telling God and asking him to change your heart can be freeing and bring inner peace.  Let’s look a little closer, too.

Important to remember:  

*Feelings are registers of how we are impacted by what’s happening.

*Feelings are given to us by God and provide useful information.

*Feelings are good consultants but poor leaders; good decisions are a result of a thinking, feeling, seeking God’s direction, and acting.

*Most feelings come and go and change over time.

*We cannot help spontaneous feelings but we can take care not to feed them with inciting thoughts.

*Feelings can be influenced by new ways of thinking and acting.

*Feelings can be a good indicator that there is a problem to be solved.

*Feelings remind us to take care of ourselves.

Steps you can take:

It’s okay to make sure you are safe if there has been reason not to trust this person (I’m not sure what the extent of injury to you has been.)  If you wish, you may give small opportunities for this person to earn back your trust.  Give credit for any small effort this person may make.

You can tell yourself that you don’t have to like everyone’s personality but that you will care about others as God’s creation.

Actively seek resolution if there is a problem to be solved.  (Perhaps an apprpriate third party can assist if you unable to confront alone.)

Remind yourself that God is in control and loves the person about whom you have negative feelings—this person is ultimately God’s responsibility and not yours.

Take care of yourself and seek help if your feelings are overwhelming.

The Messiah was described as a man of sorrow, familiar with suffering.  We can do great things through Christ even if we feel hindered by powerful emotions!

Eve

(Ask Eve is informational only and not intended as therapy.)

Dear Eve,When I go out of town with my job, which is a rare occasion, my seven year old daughter has difficulty coping and cries for her mommy.   My husband is a loving father and tries to comfort her but nothing seems to help, not even the picture of myself I gave her to carry.  What can I do?  PERPLEXED

Dear PERPLEXED,

The reality is that moms do have to work for a variety of reasons; sometimes that involves taking children to pre-schools, childcare centers or even leaving them home with relatives when she travels.   When a child experiences anxiety, mothers and fathers may feel guilty about being overly protective of their children, that they have done something wrong, and as a result the child is suffering.   You are not alone with this concern!

Some children have greater problems separating for reasons including temperment, birth order, or thinking habits the child has developed.  Parents can provide opportunities for an anxious child to be away at a relative’s home beginning with short period of time and building to overnights.  Parents can communicate confidence that the child will enjoy a ‘time away’ and that people truly like when the child visits.

Other ideas of what you can do when you go out of town are:

* provide a schedule of jobs and expectations for her while you are gone,

* check in every day to see how she is doing on her jobs,

* communicate and encourage her that she is helping the family as she cooperates when mom is out of town.

* be positive and affirming to her, use care when providing sympathy.

If the problem persists you may want to talk to your daughter’s doctor or guidance counselor at school who may have more information on how your daughter reacts to change at school.   Be patient with yourself and your daughter and encourage her when you see small improvements.

Eve

(Ask Eve is informational only and not intended as therapy.)